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Forgiveness

by Barbara A. Bernard

My idea of forgiveness is letting go of resentment. You can fret and fume all you want, but whoever it was that wronged you is not suffering from your anguish whatsoever.
--Della Reese

What if I told you I could offer you something that can give you more energy, lighten your spirit, enhance your relationships, change your story, positively influence the people in your life, and put you in an altered state, all for free? What would you be willing to do to have this amazing gift?

As baby boomers, we came of age in the 1960s and ’70s, a time when it was common to be in an altered state. I have good news for all of you: Forgiveness instantly offers a free and legal altered state.

I often begin speaking engagements by asking the audience, “Raise your hand if all your relationships are in great shape and you know that if you died today everything is fine with all the loved ones in your life.” Giggles ricochet around the room. The inevitable humor draws attention to the fact that we are all in this boat together. This is the human condition. It is normal to need to forgive.

So, what is forgiveness? When we forgive, we stop being angry and resentful toward people for what we perceive as an offense they committed, or a mistake they made, or even a flaw in their character. Forgiveness is necessary when we have assigned blame for a gap between what we wanted or expected and what we got. It is important to remember ourselves in this equation. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves for what we were or were not to this point. The magic comes in the moment of forgiveness when there is a clean slate and a fresh start.

Why is forgiveness so important? Because it is transformative. Forgiveness has the power to change the next chapter of our story. When I forgive, I am changed. I benefit regardless. I am free to love again. The more I forgive, the easier it becomes. I am my highest self each time I truly forgive.

How do we know when we have forgiven? We know we have forgiven when we begin telling new stories and when we tell old stories differently. Forgiveness actually neutralizes a story. We no longer recount, in our own head or to others, the times when we were wronged, victimized, or hurt. Our stories about the past reflect the greater context rather than a single incident. They acknowledge our participation, consider multiple perspectives and are told with generous sprinklings of grace, humor and compassion. We choose our words carefully, knowing that every thought, deed and action is a creative act that requires our energy and produces results. So, what results do we want to produce and create in our lives?

If I look at forgiveness from the perspective of energy, I realize I gain energy for my life and my creative self each time I forgive. Anger, resentment and hostility drain my energy. By letting them go, I become a healthier person. When I forgive and am able to love unconditionally again, my energy is restored and I am able to use it to move forward in my life.

How do I know all this? I’ve lived it.

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